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The weight of meaning in my life

I actually wanted to write about things like the ongoing war in Ukraine, environmental problems or anything else that is going on in the world, but I won’t. I want to talk about something more personal. It’s bothering me for a while now.
Recently I think a lot about what I can do and what I can’t. I want to do something useful, something meaningful in my life. That’s kinda difficult of course because meaning in itself is subjective. That what is meaningful for me isn’t necessarily meaningful to you and so on. But unrelated to that I want to do something that is worth my time. Additionally to that I want it to be useful to me and my family. Be it in terms of money, fame or whatever, I’d be fine with any of it. Heck, even recognition would be swell. But alas, practicing anything with thoughts like that will usually not lead anywhere. It frustrates me. A lot. The only thing I do consistently is gaming. That’s not really useful, albeit relaxing. Of course I’m also writing WordPress blog posts, just like right now, but I’m not consistent enough with that to consider it a hobby. I also don’t feel like I’m doing that only because it’s fun. I do it to be recognized. Which is, admittedly, part of the problem. I write something and afterwards I think to myself that it’s not good enough to gain any traction here in terms of followers, like and stuff like that. Kinda a problem when you should just want to write for fun. I actually thought already that I should write without WordPress – just me and my Google Docs. But that feels kinda useless to me. Why do you even write anything if you don’t intend to let anyone read it? Then again, if I post it here there’s the other problem I wrote about earlier in this post. I’m conflicted. Writing should be about expressing my fantasies in a written form, but I kinda feel for me right now it’s more about recognition, being liked and doing something useful. Those are problems though which should be solved through different means. I’m not sure how though. Something to write about another time. This would take quite a while longer to figure out.


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